


Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal

by victory_cookies



Category: Animaniacs
Genre: Gen, Nonbinary Wakko, home alone au, this fic is held together with scraps of the home alone script and some glitter glue, wakko uses he/they
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28233612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victory_cookies/pseuds/victory_cookies
Summary: The Warners are home alone for Christmas. This is nothing out of the ordinary (they are the Warner siblings, after all).The robbery, though, that's a new one.
Relationships: Dot Warner & Wakko Warner & Yakko Warner
Comments: 29
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws the Warners into a suburban home* time for shenanigans!

T'was a few nights before Christmas, and all through the house, a good number of creatures were making quite a racket, including three siblings, a psychiatrist, and at least one mouse (it should probably be mentioned that there was also a policeman standing by the doorway, looking rather annoyed, but that doesn't exactly rhyme, now does it?).

"Has anyone seen my stocking?" yelled a Scouse voice from the living room. "I need to hang it by the chimney with care!"

"Check the box of decorations in the foyer!" came a reply from the kitchen. "I think Dot's is also in there!"

At that, a small, furry child in a blue sweater and a santa hat came skidding into the front hallway. He looked up at the policeman at the door and grinned, tongue lolling out of his mouth.

"Hello there, Mr. Policeman!"

The man smiled tightly. "Hello, sonny. I'm, uh... Detective Jones. Tell me, are your parents home?"

The kid shook their head. "'fraid not. Hey, do you know where my stocking is?"

"Uh, no?"

"Kind of a shitty detective then, aren't you?" they commented, turning to rummage around in a box beside the staircase.

"I—"

He was cut off as the kid procured two stockings from the box. "Found 'em! Thanks, Mr. Detective!"

The man was left in stunned silence as he ran off.

A few minutes later, after a series of baffling noises from the kitchen, a white mouse strolled out into the foyer.

He looked up at the policeman with disdain. "Can I help you, sir?"

Before the man could reply, another kid, this one in brown slacks, ran out of the kitchen. His tail was smoking slightly, looking charred. "Brain, have you seen Dot? I need her help," he panted frantically as a smoke alarm began to sound. 

The mouse sighed. "I believe she is decorating gingerbread men with Pinky in the dining room."

"Cool, thanks." He ran back the way he came.

Eye twitching, the man stared at the rodent. "As I was saying... would you happen to be the owner of this household?"

"Certainly not. I am simply here with my friend to assist with holiday preparation and decoration."

"Well then," the man muttered. "Who is the adult in charge of this household?"

"If you find out, please do let me know," deadpanned the mouse as he walked away.

The man took a deep breath and repressed the urge to scream as the boy in the slacks from earlier sauntered back out of the kitchen again, now looking completely composed.

He stopped in front of the man and crossed his arms. "Hey, uhhhhhh, you got a warrant?"

"What— no, I—"

"Cuz if you don't have a warrant, then you have no business bein' in my house."

Flashing what he hoped was a trustworthy smile, his gold tooth twinkling, the man crouched down to be at eye-level with the boy. "Come now, I'm not here to get anybody in trouble, I just want to make sure that everyone is stayin' safe this Christmas. Seein' if they have proper security and all that."

"Oh, well, you needn't worry then. We've got the best security system you can get," the boy explained.

"Oh yeah? And that would be?"

"My siblings." He grinned cockily and then honked the man's nose.

He yelped and shot up, fuming. "Will you just get me a responsible adult, you little—!"

The boy shrugged. "If you insist..." He took a deep breath. "SCRATCHY! THE POLICE WANT A WORD WITH YOU!"

The man's ears were ringing like silver bells. He glared at the boy, who smiled sweetly back at him.

"You have a wonderful holiday season, officer," he said, spinning on his heel and heading into the living room.

The man sputtered.

Eventually, an actual, real, adult human man walked down the stairs.

"Good evening, officer. How may I help you?" he asked, his accent thick. 

The policeman took a deep breath. "Yes, hello. I was just checking it to make sure that everyone is staying safe and secure this Christmas. A lot of robberies happen around this time of year, you know."

The man with the accent nodded. " _Ja_ , _ja_. I have heard. You do what you can, I guess, put locks on the doors and timers on the lights."

"Are you going anywhere this year?"

"Oh, _ja_ , Paris! I have family there who I am going to stay with. I'm leaving tomorrow, in fact!"

"Paris tomorrow, huh? That sounds... wonderful."

A loud boom then sounded from the dining room, causing both men to jump.

"Oh boy," the man with the accent said. "I should probably go see what happened back there. You have a good night, sir." He hurried off.

The policeman opened the door, a sly grin on his face. "Oh, I will."

He was still grinning as he slid into the front seat of the unmarked van in the driveway.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the house, the Warners were bidding farewell to their friends.

"Have a good time in Paris, Scratchy!" said Dot as she brushed the remnants of the powdered sugar explosion off her skirt.

"Thank you, Dot. Are you sure you three will be alright, home alone for Christmas?"

"You could always come and stay with me and Brain at the lab!" Pinky offered, munching on a piece of gingerbread.

Yakko waved them off. "Thanks, but y'all have already done so much. Besides, we'll be fine. It's Christmas! What could possibly go wrong?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @victory-cookies


	2. Chapter 2

"Can we watch it? Please?" chorused Wakko and Dot, both of them making puppy eyes at their older brother.

Yakko sighed and placed the VHS tape on the counter in front of them. "I'm trying to be a responsible adult here, sibs," he muttered.

Dot snatched up the tape and began to saunter towards the living room. "We all know you're not one, sweetie. Besides, we all just spent the evening jumping on the beds and eating unhealthy amounts of sugar near bedtime. What difference will one inappropriate, violent gangster movie make?"

Annoyedly trying to suppress a grin, Yakko rolled his eyes and followed her, with Wakko right behind him.

They all plopped themselves down, each one settling into their usual seat on the couch. Dot had already put the tape into the player, and she twirled the remote in her hand before clicking play.

"I still don't understand what made you two want to watch this," the eldest commented as the movie, a black and white film he had never heard of, began.

Dot draped herself over her brother dramatically. "Oh Yakko... it's the charm of it all, the brave, debonair protagonists and their cunning, beautiful love interests, the acts of daring and love and betrayal! How could you _not_ want to watch it?"

"Need I reiterate that this is a gangster movie that is probably as old as we are?"

"Hey, I'm just here for the violence," said Wakko.

Yakko shrugged and turned back to the movie as the title card flashed across the screen:

_Angels With Filthy Souls_

He made a face. What sort of movie was this? Was it actually going to be good? Leaning back into the cushions, he settled in to watch, and promptly began to doze off.

He awoke to the sounds of gunshots and an angry gangster.

"Keep the change, ya filthy animal!" the man onscreen said.

Blinking the sleep from his eyes, Yakko looked over at his siblings, who were both staring at the screen with rapt attention. He was both proud and disappointed that they were so interested in what appeared to have been a gruesome murder. 

The three of them startled when a blinding light shone in through the window. Dot cursed loudly, earning a light swat from Yakko.

"Watch your fucking language," he scolded.

She swatted him back. "What's with the sudden light?"

"I had Brain install a timer system on our Christmas lights so we wouldn't have to turn them on and off every night!"

"Did he do something to the lights themselves? Like for a takin’-over-the-world thing?" Wakko asked. Their voice was muffled by the hat they had pulled down over their face.

"I guess so!"

* * *

A few houses away, an unmarked van sat idling on the side of the road. Inside, two men were sat, both looking nothing short of elated.

"That plan of yours to dress up as a policeman to figure out who was gonna be away was genius, Larry!" the taller of the two said.

"I know, right? Nothing like a bunch of upper-middle-class families to blindly trust the police," the other, Larry, chuckled. "Or anyone they think is police... 'cept for the one kid, he was weird, asked me if I had a warrant— oh, Bart, watch this!"

"What is is?"

"House to your left, seven-six-nine, in three, two—"

The lights to the house flickered on.

"Yeah, I'm that good. And seven-seven-four right about... now!"

Again, the lights came on right on cue.

This continued for another few minutes.

Eventually, there was only one house on the block not lit up.

"That's the one..." Larry murmured reverently. "The holy grail of hits."

"It's a big house!"

"Exactly. A house that size has to be full of valuables, ripe for the stealing. Oh, and here come their lights in three, two—!"

The two men screamed a little when the lights came on.

"Why are they so bright?" cried Bart, shielding his eyes.

"That's how you know they're rich! Only someone loaded could afford lights with that many lumens!"

"Well then let's go rob them!"

They hopped out of the van and scurried over to the house. "Lights be damned. We'll head in through the basement," Larry instructed as they approached.

* * *

"Hey, did you guys hear that?" Wakko asked.

Dot picked up the remote and paused the movie. "Hear what?"

A sudden rattling came from the basement.

"That."

Yakko sprung up. "You two stay here." He hurried to the top of the stairs to the basement and peered down. Through the curtain on the door's window, he could see what looked like two figures standing outside, silhouetted by the offensively-bright lights.

He slammed a hand on the light switch next to him, turning on the lightbulb outside the basement door. That seemed to elicit sounds of confusion and panic, and he didn't know whether to feel happy or worried about that.

He spun around and ran back into the living room to see his siblings peeking out the front window.

"There are two shady-looking figures running away from our house and getting into an unmarked van," Dot narrated. "How absolutely not suspicious."

The three of them pulled away from the window as the van began to drive.

Yakko scratched the back of his head. "Alright, so... did someone just try to break into our house?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @victory-cookies


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super happy with this chapter but I wanted to get something out before school starts back up, since I'll have less time to write from now on. Anyway, enjoy.

Yakko squinted at the script in his hands, eyes darting across the page, before he slapped it with the back of his hand. "A-ha! I told you! One of us has to do the aftershave gag!"

"Really?" Wakko frowned and hoisted himself up onto the bathroom counter. He grabbed the script from his brother. "Who's gonna do it, then?"

"Not it!" Yakko and Dot exclaimed in unison, both of them raising a hand to touch their nose as quickly as possible.

Wakko narrowed their eyes at their siblings.

"You snooze you lose, oh sibling of mine," sung Yakko, patting them on the shoulder and handing them the bottle of aftershave. "And what the script says, goes."

"We've literally never abided by that," Dot said as she walked over to the window and rested her elbows on the sill. "Also, nobody tell him that aren't scripts in fanfics," she added under her breath.

She gazed serenely out the window at the road outside, choosing to ignore Wakko's yell as he slapped his face with the aftershave. The sky was filled with puffy clouds, and she could see a few birds flitting around in the neighbours' yards. Directly across from her, she could see commotion inside their neighbour's living room, probably some sort of Christmas get-together, she assumed. Everything seemed calm and right in the world.

Wait.

Weren't the Johnsons supposed to be in Florida right now?

She looked over at their driveway to see a familiar unmarked van sitting there, confirming her suspicions.

"Hey, guys?" she called back at her siblings, interrupting their conversation about the physics of aftershave on someone who hadn't shaved. "Come here."

The two of them hurried over next to her and peered out the window like she was.

"What are we looking at?"

She pointed across the road. "There, at the Johnson's, there's somebody inside."

"Aren't the Johnsons on vacation in Florida?" Yakko asked.

"That's what I thought, too," Dot confirmed. "Also, look what's in the driveway."

Her siblings both let out gasps.

"Those bastards! First they try to break into our house and now they're—" Yakko pulled out a set of binoculars from his hammerspace and looked through the front window. "—straight-up robbing our neighbours!"

Wakko looked taken aback. "They're robbing the place? Let me see!"

Yakko handed him the binoculars and steeled his gaze at the men inside the neighbours’ house. "Well, sibs, what do you say we go make ourselves some new special friends?"

The two youngest cheered. 

"What's the plan, then? Should we just head over there and start malleting them?" Dot asked.

"No, I have a better idea. Let's really screw with these Scrooges," Yakko replied. He held out a hand. "Wak, phone me."

Wakko burped up their phone (earning a gag from Dot) and handed it to their brother.

"Alright, let's do this," he said, dialing a number. He cleared his throat and grinned. " _Ja_ , hello?"

* * *

"Hey, Bart, shut up!" Larry hissed, pausing his pillaging to walk over to the answering machine.

"This is Doctor Otto von Scratchansniff, your across-the-street neighbour? I was just wondering if you could do me a favour and check if _mein_ garage door is open? I am oh so very worried that I forgot to close it before I _left_ for _Paris_ , and all of this anxiety is about to ruin _mein_ _vacation_..." came a voice from the answering machine, one that Larry recognized instantly. "Anyway, have a wonderful holiday season. Buh-bye."

Larry could have sworn he heard snickering before the caller hung up, but he was too excited to care. "I know that accent! That's the man that lives in the house across the street!" he exclaimed. "He _is_ gone!"

"Then who turned on the light when we were there last night?" asked Bart, not convinced.

"He must just have a better security system than I thought. But that doesn't matter! That house is sitting empty and it is ripe for the picking!"

"And the guy's a doctor, he said?"

"Sounds like it. Guess that's how he's got enough to live in a house like that."

"I guess."

Larry raised the crowbar he had been using to knock stuff off shelves. "Tonight we ride, Bart. Tonight we ride."

* * *

And tonight they rode indeed. They rode all the way to the house they were so eager to rob, bags upon bags sitting in the back of the van, waiting expectantly to be filled with stolen goodies, one unoccupied house away from containing untold riches.

"Hold on, what the _fuck_ is going on?"

The two burglars looked at the house in sheer confusion. Through the drawn curtains they could see what appeared to be a party in full swing. Figures walked by the window and danced around the room, casting silhouettes against the fabric covering the windows. The faint sounds of Christmas songs could be heard coming from inside.

Bart looked at his partner, who was fuming. "Looks like it isn't so empty after all."

"There— there's no way! He said he was gone," Larry growled. "This has to be a trick of some sort.

He pulled the van into gear and began to drive away.

"We're coming back here tomorrow to sus this thing out during the day. There's gotta be something going on, and I'm robbing this damn house even if it kills me."

* * *

Inside, the Warners were laughing and dancing around manically, having the time of their lives.

In true Wakko fashion, the middlest sibling had constructed a series of moveable contraptions made of mannequins and twine, which were able to be controlled by the siblings by yanking at the strings tied around their paws. He'd also attached a cutout of Michael Jordan to a toy train, which was slowly making a lap around the room.

"I knew stealing that cutout from the Space Jam premier was a good idea!" he exclaimed.

The three of them continued to dance around the room, jerking their strings and singing loudly to the carols playing from the speaker on the table.

"This must look pretty convincing..." Dot asserted after a while. "What if it scares them off for good?"

Yakko twirled around and jerked the string on his left arm. "Fear not, sister sib! The siren song of a rich-ass doctor's house is too much for any robber worth their salt to resist. Besides, as far as those idiots know, Scratchy owns the place and is currently in Paris. They'll probably put this up to some wild security measure."

"And so they'll be back!" Wakko exclaimed, hopping over to their sister excitedly. "And we can really show them what for!"

Dot grinned. "Alright, then. Sounds like a plan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured that since Yakko and Scratchy have the same VA, it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that Yakko has a decent impression of the p-sychiatrist. 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are much appreciated!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @victory-cookies


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally had a little free time and the motivation to write, so here's a new chapter!

"I have to do it again?" Wakko asked, looking at the bottle of aftershave in Yakko's hands with contempt.

The eldest sibling nodded, cheerily humming along to the tune of _White Christmas_ tinnily playing out of the radio beside them.

Wakko frowned. "Why can't Dot do it?"

"She would never," he replied just as she walked into the bathroom, saying, "I would never."

Wakko pouted and blew a raspberry at her, and she blew one right back.

Yakko placed the bottle on the counter and moved to stand in the door frame. "Well, I'd love to stay and watch this play out, but I need to go get groceries. You two be good, try not to burn the place down, and don't do anything I wouldn't do, capeesh?"

His sibs both rolled their eyes. He blew them a kiss and strolled out of the room, whistling to the song as he went.

With a sinister grin, Dot picked up the bottle.

* * *

Larry and Bart's van quietly rolled to a stop a little ways away from the house. The two men glared at the building, silent and seemingly empty now in stark contrast to the commotion of the night before.

"Larry, I'm tellin' ya, this isn't a good idea." Bart muttered, eyeing what appeared to a be a light on in one of the rooms. "I don't care what you say, there's no way that party was a fake, there's gotta be someone still livin' there."

"Well if you're so damn sure about that, why don't you go check it out and prove yourself right?" exclaimed Larry, giving his partner a shove.

Bart sighed and hopped out of the van into the crisp winter air. He slowly made his way over to the house, glancing at its windows with trepidation, wondering if someone inside was watching his every move.

"Hey, get a move on, will ya!"

He turned around to see Larry leaning out of the van's side window, gesturing for him to hurry it up.

With a slightly brisker pace, he eventually made it around to the back door of the house. He wasn't stupid enough to try the front door, that was for sure, and they didn't have much luck with the basement door the first time around, so back door it was.

Taking a few worried glances at his surroundings, he reached for the door handle and jiggled it.

* * *

Dot looked up from her magazine, eyes narrowing. "Wakko, did you hear that?"

Ears perking up, Wakko set down his pencil crayon and pushed himself from his stomach onto his knees just as another rattling sound came from the kitchen.

"Sounds like the door," he said. "Maybe it's Yakko back from the store?"

She shook her head. "It's only been like twenty minutes, there's no way. Plus, he has keys for the front door. Why would he be trying to come in through the kitchen?"

The two of them shared a glance and then popped up in the kitchen.

The youngest pulled the curtain aside a hair and peered out to see someone dressed in dark clothes rattling their doorknob aggressively.

She turned around and nodded at Wakko, who dashed back into the living room and reappeared a second later with the remote.

He grinned and pressed play.

The sound of the movie carried into the kitchen, loud enough for the man outside to hear. “Hey, I tell ya what I’m gonna give you, Snakes. I’m gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full’a lead!”

“Alright Johnny, I’m sorry. I’m goin’!”

Wakko handed the remote to Dot and procured their gag bag with a flourish, reaching inside it to pull out a string of firecrackers and a lighter. They winked at Dot, who held up her hand to count down.

“One, two… ten!”

A click of the lighter and the firecrackers were ablaze, popping and crackling as loud as can be in tandem with the film's gunshots.

They both began to cackle as they heard the scream of terror from outside, their laughter blending in with the movie's as they listened gleefully to the robber's fearful retreat.

By the time the firecrackers were burnt out, they were both wiping tears from their eyes.

* * *

In all his years being a criminal, Bart had never been shot at.

He hoped beyond all hope that it would never happen again.

Panting, he stumbled back up to the van, practically falling into his seat. He'd hightailed it out of there as fast as he could, and now he felt like he was about to pass out.

"What the fuck just happened?" Larry asked.

"Gangsters— inside— shootin' at each other—" he gasped. "Shootin' at me!"

"Seriously? People were shooting at each other?"

"Yeah, man! I— I think one of them might have killed another one! We need to get outta here!"

Larry shook his head. "Nah, nah, we gotta stay here. What if there _was_ a murder? We might be able to get a look at the perp, and y'know, if the cops get up in our business at some point, wouldn't it be nice to have somethin' to tell 'em? Somethin' to maybe make our lives a little easier?"

Bart nodded slowly. "I guess..."

"We'll stay here, lie low, see what we can see, alright?"

"Alright."

Larry leaned back in his seat and smiled.

* * *

Yakko rolled up to the checkout and began to place his items on the conveyor belt, still humming the carol from earlier.

He didn't notice the weird look the cashier was giving him as she began to scan the items until she spoke to him. 

"This sure is a lot of food, young man..."

"Yeah?" he replied, raising an eyebrow at her.

"You having a party?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business, but no."

"Then why are you purchasing nine frozen pizzas, among other things?"

He stared at her. "My sibling has a big appetite," he explained flatly.

She narrowed her eyes and continued to scan the food. "Where is your father?"

He held back a snort. "Ma'am, I wish I knew."

"Your mother, then?"

The toon sighed internally. She really wasn't going to let this go, huh?

"She's, uhhhh, outside," he lied. "She wants a growing boy like me to learn some independence."

The cashier nodded, looking slightly less suspicious.

Yakko rolled his eyes, quickly paying for the groceries and heading outside, whistling once again as he began the walk home.

For fuck's sake, he was tired of having this stupid song stuck in his head.

A short stroll and one grocery-spilling mishap later, he arrived back at the house. Once inside, he pulled off his scarf and placed the bags in the kitchen before sauntering into the living room. His siblings were both relaxing in there, Dot reclined on the couch reading a magazine and Wakko laying on their stomach on the floor doodling.

"Heya sibs, get into any trouble while I was gone?" he asked.

"We convinced a guy that he was being shot at," Dot answered without looking up from her page.

Yakko nodded. "Nice. I'm gonna go decorate the tree. You two wanna help?"

"Yes please!" exclaimed Wakko. They sprung to their feet and raced over to the tree.

Dot flipped the page. "Give me a minute, I'm almost done here."

With a shrug, Yakko walked over to the tree, grabbing a box of ornaments off the coffee table as he went. "Join us once you're finished, then," he said, pulling out a shiny red ball and moving to hang it on a branch.

* * *

"Was that a kid that just went in there?" Larry asked incredulously. "Didn't you say there were gangsters inside?"

Bart nodded intensely, leaning forward to look out the windshield at the house, which had just been entered by what looked like a teenager wearing brown slacks and a green scarf holding a pair of grocery bags. "There are, I swear! I heard 'em!"

Larry's eyes narrowed. "I think you might've been fooled by a kid, Bart. C'mon."

He hopped out of the van, gesturing for the other burglar to do the same, and stealthily made his way over to the side of the house.

"Look here, idiot," he hissed, glancing in a window. "There're fucking children in there!"

Through the window was the boy in the slacks, decorating a Christmas tree, and what looked to be another kid in a blue sweater doing the same thing on the other side.

"Those're the kids I saw when I was here that first day! The little bastards must be the ones doin' all of this! They're fucking home alone!"

* * *

Yakko nearly startled when he noticed something, or rather some _one_ , in the reflection of the ornament he was hanging on the tree.

By now he knew exactly who it was. He made eye contact with the man's reflection, which smiled at him, gold tooth shining, before looking up suddenly.

"Hey, dad, can you come help me with this?" he asked loudly, taking a step away from the tree and out of view of the window.

Wakko's head popped out from behind the tree. "I hate to break it to you, big brother, but we don't have a dad."

Yakko pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, no shit. Now be quiet and both of you get over here," he stage-whispered.

The two of them hopped over to where he was standing.

"What's going on?" asked Dot.

"The robbers are back, and I'm pretty sure they just saw me and Wakko."

"Are they still here?"

"I dunno, lemme see." Not wanting to go back over to the window, he pulled out a stethoscope and pressed it up against the wall. After a few seconds, his brows raised.

"What is it?" Wakko questioned, already pulling out a stethoscope of their own, as did Dot.

The sound from outside was muffled but still discernible.

"They're just a couple'a kids! Nothin' we can't handle, and besides, they'll probably be pissin' their pants in terror the second they see us. It'll be a piece of cake! So whaddya say? We hit this place at nine?"

The siblings pulled away from the wall, stashing the stethoscopes and looking at each other knowingly.

"I think you know what that means, sibs," he said, placing his hands on his hips and puffing his chest out. "It's time to prepare for war...ners."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love that I'm still working on a holiday fic over a month later lol
> 
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @victory-cookies


End file.
